The Perfect Middle

The other day I woke up feeling off, and not myself. I felt uninspired, unproductive, unmotivated, and like I had no purpose. Now every day I don’t always feel motivated, inspired, and ready to go, but there was just something very off this time. It was Sunday, and I didn’t have much homework to do, so I stayed in bed until almost 2pm, and I still didn’t want to get up. I spent the majority of the day thinking about my failures, and accompanying my thoughts with some sad music. I’ve failed a lot. Who hasn’t? But why dwell on it? Like Rafiki from The Lion King said, “it doesn’t matter, it’s in the past”. I got down on myself, and was feeling almost hopeless. Like I couldn’t change, and that things could never get better.

Throughout my life, I have always felt like I’ve been in the middle. The middle of friendships, my friend’s relationships, even my own thoughts and how I think about life. I also have a terrible difficulty making decisions, on where to eat or what to do. I’m always smack dab in the middle. Smack dab in the middle. Being stuck in the middle of every situation in life leaves you uninspired sometimes, and feeling very frustrated and lost. Especially lost. How can you be found when you’re stuck in the middle deciding who you even are?

I grew up a Christian. Going to church every single Sunday, praying before meals, and always saying I trusted in God and Jesus. I never was involved or devoted much time, but I prayed and knew the books of the bible. I thought that was enough. I came to college and met some amazing people. Some made me a home and saved me, and some made me insecure and broke me. Both people have changed my life for the better. Because when the people who broke me made me lose myself, the people who saved me caught me. My experiences in college, while fun, have led to me being dissapointed in myself. Not being who I am, fighting, drinking, depressed, insecure, and just overall not okay. And also not lining up with my said beliefs.

When I spent half of my Sunday feeling lost, I spent the other filling my heart up with the word. I recently joined a small group with my roommate and best friend, Cally, who has saved me in more ways than I can express. I turned on her “Jesus” playlist on Spotify, opened my Bible, and worked on our small group booklet. People don’t believe in God, and that is your prerogative, but I have experienced Him first handed so many times. He got me through depression in high school, He has blessed me with an amazing life, He has sent me angels who have led me closer to Him, and He filled my heart up with so much purpose and love that day. I started it waking up to an empty heart and no desire to get out of bed, and ended it making a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish this year, with a full heart and inspired mind.

A lot of my experiences have left me feeling guilty, giving into lust and being scared to come back to God for forgiveness of my sins. Especially since I have felt so disconnected from Him at times. I always have to tell myself and remember, He always forgives. Finding the balance between living the true college life and living a true Christian one has always been a challenge for me, and it still is. I don’t know the right middle, and yet there it is again. The Middle, what I have put myself in my entire life. Then again, finding the perfect middle might be the answer to finding myself.

Not everyone believes God, which is perfectly fine. It hurts that I may not see them in heaven, but I’ll never love them any less. Some of my best friends don’t believe in Him, and that hasn’t changed our friendship in any way. At some point I’ve questioned my beliefs, every Christian has. But whatever makes you happy and fills you with the love and joy you need survive, never let it go. Find what fills your heart up, and never stop doing it.

I may end up being the person who was just meant to find my perfect middle, being the person who is always smack dab in the middle. My third grade Sunday school teacher always taught us one huge thing about the book of Psalm; that it was smack dab in the middle of the Bible. You can open your Bible to the middle, and always find Psalm. Smack dab in the middle. Maybe I’ll just be like Psalm.

Find your peace, find your perfect middle. Until next time…

Psalm 118:24- “This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it”

One door closes…

This is my story. My side, my opinion, and how I felt about what has happened this past year as a whole. I’ve made mistakes, I have tried to fix some, and I could have tried harder to fix others. Regardless, this is how I saw it.

2018 was without a doubt the hardest and most life changing year of my life. I’m praying it will end up being this bad for a reason, because these experiences will lead me to being the person I am in the future, blah blah blah, whatever. Hopefully I am benefited by this awful year in the future, because right now it sucks. College overall has been a whirlwind for me, and I guess I just don’t have it all figured out yet, but I seem to keep making mistakes I didn’t even know I was making. People continue to say I didn’t communicate with them properly, and all the blame for controversial situations and failed friendships were thrown on me. While I’m not saying I’m out of the fault, the blame should not have been completely thrown on me.

College began any typical way it would for anyone: girl likes boy, boy doesn’t reciprocate (yet leads her on anyways), Girl is understandably hurt by boy, girl and boy move passed it because it is STUPID, boy finds other girls he’s interested in, girl is sad but moves past that as well, boy cuts girl off for no good reason, girl is crushed, boy gets cheated on and reaches out to girl saying he messed up and wants to be friends again, girl considers it (to be continued..)

Typical first semester of college. This year started off with me forgiving that boy, and I thought moving past it. Everything was good for a while. We were all making good memories together, and also some regrettable memories but that is bound to happen. Then someone new arrives. Boy brings in (another) new girl.

Yet, this one is different. We automatically clicked, and became quick friends. Things were good, or so I thought. Turns out boy was being a turd and doing the same thing to this girl as he did to me. Obviously I was upset because this girl is close to me now and I care about her, but I also care about him. I wanted them both to be happy. This girl kept falling for him over and over again, and the boy wasn’t exactly denying her (and if he was it really didn’t show). Eventually I felt both me and this girl getting excluded from everything, and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know it was because this girl was apparently smothering the boy, and making him feel stressed and uncomfortable. And just because I was close to this girl, I felt banned from the group as well.

The semester didn’t end well, and I didn’t feel like I was on good terms or welcomed by this boy who I thought at one point had cared about me. That’s how I left the school year. The summer wasn’t much better either. I was lonely, which led to me feeling depressed and empty. I did see our friends a couple times over the summer, and the boy once or twice, but no significant change was made.

Then our sophomore year came around, and we were still on awkward terms for what it felt like no reason. I tried to make an effort, or I felt as though I tried to make an effort to reach out and talk and joke like we used to, but it just wasn’t the same.

Then, I found out some news. One of the reasons I did like this boy so much was because of one of the first real conversations we had. He invited me up to his dorm room the first or second week of freshman year, and we just talked for two or three hours. About everything. About our past experiences, friends, and I even told him something that I didn’t like sharing with people because it was private and embarrassing. But I told him, because I felt like I could trust him. The most important thing we talked about though were our morals. We bonded over the fact that we both hated people who cheated so much, and I admired him for not ever drinking, smoking, being a virgin, and more. I remember this so well because it was a turning point, at least for me, in our friendship and for the feelings I had for him.

I found out that some of the things he told me in that conversation, the conversation that was the basis for everything that came along in the near future, were lies. I’m not always honest, because it’s impossible to be all the time, but I try to be honest more than anything. Honesty is the most important thing in any relationship to me, and I discovered he had lied to me from the beginning.

I may have not reacted well and said some things I do now regret, but what normal human would react well if they found out they’d been lied to for over a year by someone who they thought they could completely trust. Our friendship was already awkward, and then finding this out? It was all quickly heading in a downwards spiral.

The person I had met a year ago I didn’t even recognize anymore. It hurt to see that, and it hurt to experience what we had become. He ended up calling a group meeting for one last chance, which ended up being the last time we were all together. Listening to what him and our mutual best friend had to say, I could barely sit there without bursting into tears or screaming my head off. So I did the opposite. I squeezed my hands together as tight as I could, kept as much of a straight face on, and was silent. I regret not saying anything, but I couldn’t. Not with everyone there, not when I felt attacked like that, and not when it hurt me that much. So I kept quiet.

I couldn’t go with anything left unsaid, so I texted him. I told him I was there to support him through anything he was going through, because he said he was depressed and depression is one of the worst feelings someone can experience. I had gone through depression, and I remember feeling like there was nothing on this planet that could make me feel like I had any light in me. He ended up not replying, which turned out for the better. Until our mutual friend cussed me out because apparently they were so good to me and never did anything wrong, and I was so terrible to them and everything I did was wrong. I swear towards the end I could sneeze and get accused of something.

I’m no longer friends with either of them, and it’s probably the best thing that could’ve happened for either of us. I’m not sure if they are or aren’t doing better without me, but I felt a weight lifted off when everything ended between us. They eventually became too toxic to me, and were making me depressed. I will always care for them and wish the best for them, but it’s just something for me to leave in 2018.

This post isn’t for revenge, or to get people on my side because I can admit I wasn’t always the good guy. Humans are stupid, we all do make mistakes as cliche as it sounds. This post is for me to get my side off of my chest, and to finally let go. I’m working on doing better, focusing on myself, and leaving all the toxicity in 2018. Just writing this honestly made me feel better, so if you did read it all thank you. If you didn’t I don’t blame you. All I can do is pray for the ones who hurt, the ones I care for, and for more blessings in 2019. One door closes, another one opens, right?

Until next time…

Fixing the broken.

Throughout our lives, we’ll inevitably come across someone who makes you get the ground pulled out from under you. They’ll sweep you off your feet, and whether it’s intentional or not, you’ll fall for them. Completely. Head over heels. Whether they mean to or not, this person will charm your ass off and make you feel like you are literally on cloud 9. And once you’ve fallen, there’s no going back. It will forever be etched into how you view this person, even if you decide to remain friends, or even if you decide to not remain in each other’s lives at all. They will always have some place special within you. From the moment you met them, they never failed to surprise you. In a good way or a bad way. They went from biking half a mile to just bring you medicine because you were feeling a little under the weather, to avoiding you in every crowded room. They went from fighting for you with all the power they had to get you to forgive them, to not caring if you ever reach out to them again. They went from not going a day without speaking or spending time with you, to only seeing you or acknowledging you when they’re under some sort of influence. This person meant the world to you, and all you tried to do and wanted to do was help them.

With recent events of Mac Miller tragically passing away from an overdose, this is something important to talk about. I read Ariana Grande’s post about how she wished she could have helped him, and how he couldn’t escape the demons he didn’t deserve. When something this devastating happens, you can’t help but look at your own life and the people who surround you. What demons do you carry with you? What demons do the people you care about carry with them? How can you help them? How can you help yourself? This is how I looked at it. It makes you really think.

The people in my life, myself included, have personal problems that we can’t seem to overcome. I try everyday to fight my demons, and become happier and healthier in the process. I want to be the best I can, and I want to love myself harder than anyone can, which seems to be such a struggle sometimes. I try though, as hard as I can. Sometimes I look at my friends, my family, my loved ones and want to always put them first. That’s how I have always been, I have always put how others feel above how I feel. That’s something in itself that carries a lot of my struggles, because it has put me in situations where I do something to make someone else happy that makes me unhappy. But I do it anyways, because that’s what will make them feel better.

I have tried so hard to fix the people I care about. Whether it’s trying in school and working to succeed academically, or if they’re in an abusive relationship they can’t seem to escape because they’re so in love with an emotionally abusive person. Or even being addicted to something that is ruining their life, and they can’t seem to quit. I have always wanted to help, and I have seen the best people have their lives and futures taken away because of these demons. I see the ones closest to me have their futures stripped of them because they can’t put the blunt down, or break up with them, or even just go to class. “Fixing” someone who does not even try to fix them self is impossible. It is something I have had to learn, and sadly watch as it all goes downhill. No matter how many times I have talked to them, warned them, and told them they could be better and make better decisions, all I can do is watch it all crash and burn. And it hurts, because all you want is the best for these people you care so much about.

Toxicity is so real in all relationships, and doing what is best for you should be number one. Look out for yourself, protect yourself, because you can’t always rely on others to do it for you. Watch out for the ones you love, but sometimes letting them fall is the best thing to do. Because if they fall completely, fall like how you fell for them COMPLETELY, then they need to realize their mistakes and pick themselves up. And all you can do is be there when needed. But some won’t really listen until they have experienced the bottom themselves. So when you meet that person, or those people who take the ground up from under you, let yourself fall. But be prepared to pick yourself back up. The fall is worth it, but if we don’t have ourselves to protect in the end then we might be the next ones who end up on the bottom. Until next time…

The Pain is Worth It

I was laying in bed this morning until around 1:30 in the afternoon trying to figure out what to do with my day. Maybe I should go to the gym, or just stay in bed longer and watch a movie, or maybe even just lay in bed staring at the ceiling and let my thoughts consume me in an unhealthy way. Lately that is what I have been doing, letting my thoughts, past actions, mistakes, and feelings take over my body and leave me confused and unsteady about life as a whole. Whether you are on a break or on vacation, or in school or working, taking a breath is SO important for your mental stability. I realized if I was gonna sit and think about every single thing on my mind today, it wasn’t going to be like this. So, I got up and dressed, put on some makeup and a semi-cute outfit, grabbed my computer and a notebook, and drove to one of my new found favorite coffee shops recently. It’s filled with books, marble table tops, and inspiration. And of course, good coffee- a necessity. A lot has been on my mind lately, leading to sleepless nights and unsure thoughts about the reality I stuck myself in. Going back to school is scary. You’re suddenly surrounded by the people and temptations again that led you to your lost-minded reality. Even just seeing those people again takes you back to the sometimes unsteadiness you always felt around them, especially some in particular. And sometimes you make those same mistakes again. And after you make them, you think endlessly about every outcome from this possible mistake, and wonder what people will think and say, and go down this dark, mentally draining spiral about what you have done. When you find yourself stuck in that spiral, pick yourself up, dress in a cute outfit, grab a notebook and some colorful pens, and take yourself out to a cute coffee shop. It sounds basic, I know, but sitting somewhere surrounded by creative people and items sending you good vibes and inspiration can instantly change the way you look at life. Sometimes, actually a lot of times, you end up lost. I’m not saying this will help you instantly find yourself and your whole meaning of life, but it is a way to get you started towards a reality you’re not only stuck in, but one that you love being stuck in. One that you don’t want to escape. One where you will do everything in your power to keep yourself in.

Something I have been telling myself lately is to push forward to the best day of your life. As you get older, the best days keep changing and getting better and better and you will experience so many of them. The painful days and periods of time only put it all into perspective, and make the best days stick out even more. This makes me thankful for it all, the painful periods and the unapologetic blissful periods. It all just keeps getting better, and fills you with even more wisdom and experience. All you can do in the painful periods is pick yourself up, grab a notebook, and get inspired. Put your pain to creativity, and make something so inspiring that you can look back on it when you are happy and realize the pain was worth it. The pain is always worth it. Whether it is pain you create, or pain brought upon you that you had no control over whatsoever, come out stronger in the end and always remember the pain is worth it. Step back, breathe, drink some coffee, and tell yourself the pain is ALWAYS worth it.

We all make mistakes, small or large it is always life changing and makes you really think. Recently I made a mistake that I don’t even know if I consider a mistake, which really doesn’t make sense. I don’t know if I regret it or not, but I do know it is something that has taken my bliss and turned it into something resembling pain. I have been letting it consume me for about a week or so now, and it is something that going back to school may trigger again, but I can’t help but be thankful for this. I always try to stay thankful for the even the dark periods. If I feel it taking my body over, I don’t stay in bed and stress over it until my brain is worn out (okay well, sometimes I do), but I get up and write. Writing it all out has always been my way of dealing with the pain. Just getting it all out there is so calming and freeing to me. Writing leads me to inspiration, which leads me to going out and conquering. Even if it’s just blobby writing (like every single one of my blog posts, sorry!), where I just let all of my thoughts and feelings spill out. It is SO. FREEING.

Take on the pain, accept the pain, conquer the pain, and be thankful for the pain. It is always worth it. Until Next Time…

(p.s. the lemon quote is from the show This Is Us. If you haven’t watched it, it is one of the most amazing and eye opening shows I have ever seen in my life. I will probably do a whole blog post on it soon, but WOULD RECOMMEND!!)

Image result for this is us lemon quote

guys.

College is a transforming time in your life, leading into furthering your education, majoring in something that will help you make a good living, and finding a good job with that. That’s supposed to be the basis of what college is, but what they don’t tell you about is the baggage. Most baggage in general is usually seen as bad, but there is the good and the bad when it comes to college. And there is the good and the bad all in one particular topic you will inevitably come across as a girl in college: guys.

Whether it’s a guy you subtly flirt with at a party, or a full on relationship you find yourself in, guys are sadly inevitable. Well, it depends on how you look at it. The involvement of guys could be the best thing to ever happen to you, or it could destroy you in every possible way. Or, in most cases, both. While in college, I have encountered some interesting characters when it comes to guys. So far, it hasn’t gone so well for me… no relationships (which honestly might be the best for me right now), and possibly the most complicated friendship I’ve had in my entire life. While in this “friendship”, we went from something possibly happening between us, to something actually happening between us, to deciding to be just friends, to completely cutting each other off, and then to becoming better friends in the end (or should I say for now). I’m still uneasy about it all, and I yet to have actually come to any conclusion about my true feelings about this person. Earlier today I was at a bookstore (funnily enough shopping for this specific person’s birthday), and I came across a book of poems called “rest in the mourning”. It immediately drew me in, and I opened it up to the exact poem that inspired me to write this.

“war games.

i think i entertained you

and your bullshit

because i loved the feeling

of making up

i loved that feeling of going

to war with you as the enemy

and somehow returning

with you as my ally

i was foolish

because i believed

that fighting you

meant fighting for us

and i was wrong

so fucking wrong

-r.h. Sin”

Something about this spoke to me, because it describes what I went through with this individual so vividly. While this person still does mean a lot to me, and we were friends first and for most, something about not ever coming to a conclusion regarding it all somehow consumes me. It’s what’s always on my mind.

When I think of guys at college, I don’t think of the typical frat boy chugging beer and playing pong, while don’t get me wrong that is the typical college guy. When I think of guys, or even people in general you meet in college, I think of something much deeper. Something that has kept all of us up together until 4am with just a salt rock lamp, each other, and our voices. Something that has brought me the greatest joy, and has also brought me down a road that I hope I never come close to again. It all did forever change me, no matter how we continue on from now, it did. And I don’t think he knows that.

What I want you to take from this blobby, ramble-y blog post is that guys are inevitable in college. The shitty ones, the best ones you’ll ever meet, and maybe all of the above in one single boy. Whatever you go through and wherever you end up after it’s over, even if you have no conclusion, the best you can take from it is that it shaped you in a way you never thought it could, and changed you and your perspective on everything forever. Maybe I’m reading way too deep into this, or maybe everything does happen for a reason, but all I do know for sure is trust me when I say you really never should get involved with boys who are in your group of friends. Until next time…

Sorry for Sucking

All my life I have been trying to be better. Trying to be more intelligent, athletic, charismatic, whatever I could do to stray as far as I could from who I actually am. The title of this post might be a little misleading, but it’s something I continuously say to myself. If I feel I’m not good enough, I put myself down for not being enough of this or that, or not being like this person who is seemingly perfect. I know this is something most everyone, correction EVERYONE, deals with. It’s something I have dealt with my entire life, and it led me to not know who I am. I’ll see my friends and decide I want to be more like how they are, and then see someone else with an amazing but completely opposite personality than the other person I supposedly wanted to be like and I’m left lost. That sentence alone left me lost. So how do I figure out who I want to be? Or really, who I truly am? I doubt myself so much on the daily, and truthfully the reason I am writing this is because of another blog post I just read. The bloggers words flowed so easily with perfect Segway’s and witty spin offs of ideas, and it left me wondering. Am I even fit to be writing a blog? Do people want to read what I have to say? Am I even good enough? ENOUGH. That is the word that gets me. What is enough? There are all different kinds of levels and styles of writing and so many are successful, so why am I stressing? Granted, writing has always been some sort of passion of mine. I’ve kept a journal since 6th grade, and I’ve been writing stories since as long as I can remember. The ideas are all there but carrying them out has always been the issue. I feel as if I don’t know the right words, or the words that are good ENOUGH to put out into this world. But again, what even is enough? Sometimes I don’t know the right words, and every day I ask myself the same questions, and I still can’t find answers. Who am I? And how do you know when you do discover who you are? Is it just a sense that you can easily pick up, or do you have to delve deeper into yourself to truly figure out who you’ve become? Still, I want to be more than I believe I ever could be. I want to do more than what everyone expects from me. I just don’t know how exactly. Right now, I’m up at 3:19 in the morning writing this for a blog that only two people in my life know exists. So far, I know this, I’m a night owl who gets most of my inspiration in the middle of the night. Yet I strive to be someone who’s life begins when the sun rises and who can have an entire day before the day even begins. Why is this? Why do I strive to be this way when it is obviously not what I was built for? The things I want for myself are completely the opposite of what I end up doing, and how I was made. So why do we always want to be someone we are clearly not? Is it just the way humans were made, to always work to be what they are not? Or is it something deeper than just the anatomy of the way we’re built? How do you know yourself more than anyone on the planet, but still are lost when you try to think of who you truly are? I’ve asked myself at least 17 questions in this one blog post, and I still have absolutely no answers, which sends me down a spiral ending up with me completely not knowing who I am or how life works. Wish I had all the answers, sorry for sucking. Until next time…

Keeping up with Friends in College/Update

So, it’s been a while, I know. No I did not forget about my precious little blog, but between trying to move my entire life out of my house, finding a job, having at least four of my friends birthdays this month, and trying to get my entire life together it has been a little crazy. But it is a new month, a new chapter, a new time, and so I will just continue on with my blogging plans. Maybe starting out with a strict schedule wasn’t the best for me, because I sometimes can be a mess of a person, and it is hard to find a good medium between being too loose about a posting schedule, and also too strict. I guess I will just figure it out as I go…

So keeping up with friends you made in high school while in college. I did only just finish my freshman year, but I have already had to deal with this A LOT. With some of my friends living all over the country, it is hard to stay truly up to date with them and their lives. I will say, as much as I hate it sometimes, that current social media is SUCH a good way to do it. Honestly I have Snapchat to thank for keeping up with some people I would have lost touch with otherwise. Even just keeping a streak, texting now and then, commenting on Instagram posts, whatever you prefer can keep you up to date with those people’s lives. The smartphone really is magic when it comes to staying in touch with those people who matter the most, I honestly do not know how people did it before technology. Making time to text someone when you are thinking about them, or when you have more time calling or FaceTiming them can change their days, and strengthen your relationship with them in the long run. Sometimes I’ll just be driving in my car going to get coffee or something and just think “Oh, I have time, I should call this person” or “Oh, this person loves coffee, I should text them!”. If you don’t make time or effort for them, then staying friends might not be a priority to you. One of the most important things is that it has to be a two way effort, because you can make SO MUCH time and effort for someone, but who says they’ll do the same for you? If they aren’t putting in as much as you are, it is sad to say that you should let them go. Losing friends is incorporated with growing up, so if you aren’t prepared to do that when someone isn’t treating you the way they should be, you’ll stay in the same spot until you let them go. Over the week of May 6-12, me and one of my closest friends, Wesley, went to visit my friend Marina for her 20th birthday. It was supposed to be the three of us plus our other two friends Erin and Jordan, but they gave sorry excuses to not meet us there so we were dissapointed, but we realized if they weren’t gonna put in the effort then they didn’t deserve our friendship. Well, on Marina’s birthday we were on the beach and spontaneously Jordan and Erin showed up to surprise Marina, and it turned out to be one of the coolest things I’ve witnessed when it comes to our friendship. Just the fact that they made the effort to plan out the surprise and drive over 5 hours with no one knowing to surprise us showed how much they truly do care. The best friendships are the ones that keep spontaneity throughout the friendship no matter how long it’s been, or how old you are. While me, Marina, and Wesley were feeling very guilty for getting angry with them earlier, we were extremely blessed that they were able to make it, and we ended up having a nice sushi dinner and exploring Charleston all the next day (pictures included). Those are the friendships you should keep up with. If you don’t continuously go out of your way for one another to make each other happy, it’s not worth it. It has to be a two-way thing, because a 60/40 friendship is not a lasting one. Just a little life lesson for ya! Well, hope you all enjoyed this probably life changing blog (you’re welcome), and please comment, like, and follow if you did enjoy!!<3 Until Next Time…