One door closes…

This is my story. My side, my opinion, and how I felt about what has happened this past year as a whole. I’ve made mistakes, I have tried to fix some, and I could have tried harder to fix others. Regardless, this is how I saw it.

2018 was without a doubt the hardest and most life changing year of my life. I’m praying it will end up being this bad for a reason, because these experiences will lead me to being the person I am in the future, blah blah blah, whatever. Hopefully I am benefited by this awful year in the future, because right now it sucks. College overall has been a whirlwind for me, and I guess I just don’t have it all figured out yet, but I seem to keep making mistakes I didn’t even know I was making. People continue to say I didn’t communicate with them properly, and all the blame for controversial situations and failed friendships were thrown on me. While I’m not saying I’m out of the fault, the blame should not have been completely thrown on me.

College began any typical way it would for anyone: girl likes boy, boy doesn’t reciprocate (yet leads her on anyways), Girl is understandably hurt by boy, girl and boy move passed it because it is STUPID, boy finds other girls he’s interested in, girl is sad but moves past that as well, boy cuts girl off for no good reason, girl is crushed, boy gets cheated on and reaches out to girl saying he messed up and wants to be friends again, girl considers it (to be continued..)

Typical first semester of college. This year started off with me forgiving that boy, and I thought moving past it. Everything was good for a while. We were all making good memories together, and also some regrettable memories but that is bound to happen. Then someone new arrives. Boy brings in (another) new girl.

Yet, this one is different. We automatically clicked, and became quick friends. Things were good, or so I thought. Turns out boy was being a turd and doing the same thing to this girl as he did to me. Obviously I was upset because this girl is close to me now and I care about her, but I also care about him. I wanted them both to be happy. This girl kept falling for him over and over again, and the boy wasn’t exactly denying her (and if he was it really didn’t show). Eventually I felt both me and this girl getting excluded from everything, and I didn’t know why. I didn’t know it was because this girl was apparently smothering the boy, and making him feel stressed and uncomfortable. And just because I was close to this girl, I felt banned from the group as well.

The semester didn’t end well, and I didn’t feel like I was on good terms or welcomed by this boy who I thought at one point had cared about me. That’s how I left the school year. The summer wasn’t much better either. I was lonely, which led to me feeling depressed and empty. I did see our friends a couple times over the summer, and the boy once or twice, but no significant change was made.

Then our sophomore year came around, and we were still on awkward terms for what it felt like no reason. I tried to make an effort, or I felt as though I tried to make an effort to reach out and talk and joke like we used to, but it just wasn’t the same.

Then, I found out some news. One of the reasons I did like this boy so much was because of one of the first real conversations we had. He invited me up to his dorm room the first or second week of freshman year, and we just talked for two or three hours. About everything. About our past experiences, friends, and I even told him something that I didn’t like sharing with people because it was private and embarrassing. But I told him, because I felt like I could trust him. The most important thing we talked about though were our morals. We bonded over the fact that we both hated people who cheated so much, and I admired him for not ever drinking, smoking, being a virgin, and more. I remember this so well because it was a turning point, at least for me, in our friendship and for the feelings I had for him.

I found out that some of the things he told me in that conversation, the conversation that was the basis for everything that came along in the near future, were lies. I’m not always honest, because it’s impossible to be all the time, but I try to be honest more than anything. Honesty is the most important thing in any relationship to me, and I discovered he had lied to me from the beginning.

I may have not reacted well and said some things I do now regret, but what normal human would react well if they found out they’d been lied to for over a year by someone who they thought they could completely trust. Our friendship was already awkward, and then finding this out? It was all quickly heading in a downwards spiral.

The person I had met a year ago I didn’t even recognize anymore. It hurt to see that, and it hurt to experience what we had become. He ended up calling a group meeting for one last chance, which ended up being the last time we were all together. Listening to what him and our mutual best friend had to say, I could barely sit there without bursting into tears or screaming my head off. So I did the opposite. I squeezed my hands together as tight as I could, kept as much of a straight face on, and was silent. I regret not saying anything, but I couldn’t. Not with everyone there, not when I felt attacked like that, and not when it hurt me that much. So I kept quiet.

I couldn’t go with anything left unsaid, so I texted him. I told him I was there to support him through anything he was going through, because he said he was depressed and depression is one of the worst feelings someone can experience. I had gone through depression, and I remember feeling like there was nothing on this planet that could make me feel like I had any light in me. He ended up not replying, which turned out for the better. Until our mutual friend cussed me out because apparently they were so good to me and never did anything wrong, and I was so terrible to them and everything I did was wrong. I swear towards the end I could sneeze and get accused of something.

I’m no longer friends with either of them, and it’s probably the best thing that could’ve happened for either of us. I’m not sure if they are or aren’t doing better without me, but I felt a weight lifted off when everything ended between us. They eventually became too toxic to me, and were making me depressed. I will always care for them and wish the best for them, but it’s just something for me to leave in 2018.

This post isn’t for revenge, or to get people on my side because I can admit I wasn’t always the good guy. Humans are stupid, we all do make mistakes as cliche as it sounds. This post is for me to get my side off of my chest, and to finally let go. I’m working on doing better, focusing on myself, and leaving all the toxicity in 2018. Just writing this honestly made me feel better, so if you did read it all thank you. If you didn’t I don’t blame you. All I can do is pray for the ones who hurt, the ones I care for, and for more blessings in 2019. One door closes, another one opens, right?

Until next time…

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