Sorry for Sucking

All my life I have been trying to be better. Trying to be more intelligent, athletic, charismatic, whatever I could do to stray as far as I could from who I actually am. The title of this post might be a little misleading, but it’s something I continuously say to myself. If I feel I’m not good enough, I put myself down for not being enough of this or that, or not being like this person who is seemingly perfect. I know this is something most everyone, correction EVERYONE, deals with. It’s something I have dealt with my entire life, and it led me to not know who I am. I’ll see my friends and decide I want to be more like how they are, and then see someone else with an amazing but completely opposite personality than the other person I supposedly wanted to be like and I’m left lost. That sentence alone left me lost. So how do I figure out who I want to be? Or really, who I truly am? I doubt myself so much on the daily, and truthfully the reason I am writing this is because of another blog post I just read. The bloggers words flowed so easily with perfect Segway’s and witty spin offs of ideas, and it left me wondering. Am I even fit to be writing a blog? Do people want to read what I have to say? Am I even good enough? ENOUGH. That is the word that gets me. What is enough? There are all different kinds of levels and styles of writing and so many are successful, so why am I stressing? Granted, writing has always been some sort of passion of mine. I’ve kept a journal since 6th grade, and I’ve been writing stories since as long as I can remember. The ideas are all there but carrying them out has always been the issue. I feel as if I don’t know the right words, or the words that are good ENOUGH to put out into this world. But again, what even is enough? Sometimes I don’t know the right words, and every day I ask myself the same questions, and I still can’t find answers. Who am I? And how do you know when you do discover who you are? Is it just a sense that you can easily pick up, or do you have to delve deeper into yourself to truly figure out who you’ve become? Still, I want to be more than I believe I ever could be. I want to do more than what everyone expects from me. I just don’t know how exactly. Right now, I’m up at 3:19 in the morning writing this for a blog that only two people in my life know exists. So far, I know this, I’m a night owl who gets most of my inspiration in the middle of the night. Yet I strive to be someone who’s life begins when the sun rises and who can have an entire day before the day even begins. Why is this? Why do I strive to be this way when it is obviously not what I was built for? The things I want for myself are completely the opposite of what I end up doing, and how I was made. So why do we always want to be someone we are clearly not? Is it just the way humans were made, to always work to be what they are not? Or is it something deeper than just the anatomy of the way we’re built? How do you know yourself more than anyone on the planet, but still are lost when you try to think of who you truly are? I’ve asked myself at least 17 questions in this one blog post, and I still have absolutely no answers, which sends me down a spiral ending up with me completely not knowing who I am or how life works. Wish I had all the answers, sorry for sucking. Until next time…

2 thoughts on “Sorry for Sucking

  1. You’re right. I think everyone goes through a phase when they’re questioning who they are and what they want out of life. But because everyone’s different, the amount of time they spend in that phase differs from person to person. So even if you still don’t know who you are right now, it’s okay! To be honest, I don’t know either. I’m still figuring out what I what I’m good at, and your post encapsulates all my feelings about that. I want to be like my friends, who seem to have already found their niche. But they’re different from me and from each other, so it isn’t that viable. The best way to go about it is to stop comparing yourself to your friends (but I know that’s easier said than done) and figure out at your own pace what fits you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, and I look forward to more 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Honestly having validation on a post like this means the world to me, because it’s terrifying to put myself out there and be vulnerable like this, so knowing someone can relate is kinda awesome. Read your blog post as well and you’re an amazing writer, so I’m excited to see more from you too! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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