The other day I woke up feeling off, and not myself. I felt uninspired, unproductive, unmotivated, and like I had no purpose. Now every day I don’t always feel motivated, inspired, and ready to go, but there was just something very off this time. It was Sunday, and I didn’t have much homework to do, so I stayed in bed until almost 2pm, and I still didn’t want to get up. I spent the majority of the day thinking about my failures, and accompanying my thoughts with some sad music. I’ve failed a lot. Who hasn’t? But why dwell on it? Like Rafiki from The Lion King said, “it doesn’t matter, it’s in the past”. I got down on myself, and was feeling almost hopeless. Like I couldn’t change, and that things could never get better.
Throughout my life, I have always felt like I’ve been in the middle. The middle of friendships, my friend’s relationships, even my own thoughts and how I think about life. I also have a terrible difficulty making decisions, on where to eat or what to do. I’m always smack dab in the middle. Smack dab in the middle. Being stuck in the middle of every situation in life leaves you uninspired sometimes, and feeling very frustrated and lost. Especially lost. How can you be found when you’re stuck in the middle deciding who you even are?
I grew up a Christian. Going to church every single Sunday, praying before meals, and always saying I trusted in God and Jesus. I never was involved or devoted much time, but I prayed and knew the books of the bible. I thought that was enough. I came to college and met some amazing people. Some made me a home and saved me, and some made me insecure and broke me. Both people have changed my life for the better. Because when the people who broke me made me lose myself, the people who saved me caught me. My experiences in college, while fun, have led to me being dissapointed in myself. Not being who I am, fighting, drinking, depressed, insecure, and just overall not okay. And also not lining up with my said beliefs.
When I spent half of my Sunday feeling lost, I spent the other filling my heart up with the word. I recently joined a small group with my roommate and best friend, Cally, who has saved me in more ways than I can express. I turned on her “Jesus” playlist on Spotify, opened my Bible, and worked on our small group booklet. People don’t believe in God, and that is your prerogative, but I have experienced Him first handed so many times. He got me through depression in high school, He has blessed me with an amazing life, He has sent me angels who have led me closer to Him, and He filled my heart up with so much purpose and love that day. I started it waking up to an empty heart and no desire to get out of bed, and ended it making a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish this year, with a full heart and inspired mind.
A lot of my experiences have left me feeling guilty, giving into lust and being scared to come back to God for forgiveness of my sins. Especially since I have felt so disconnected from Him at times. I always have to tell myself and remember, He always forgives. Finding the balance between living the true college life and living a true Christian one has always been a challenge for me, and it still is. I don’t know the right middle, and yet there it is again. The Middle, what I have put myself in my entire life. Then again, finding the perfect middle might be the answer to finding myself.
Not everyone believes God, which is perfectly fine. It hurts that I may not see them in heaven, but I’ll never love them any less. Some of my best friends don’t believe in Him, and that hasn’t changed our friendship in any way. At some point I’ve questioned my beliefs, every Christian has. But whatever makes you happy and fills you with the love and joy you need survive, never let it go. Find what fills your heart up, and never stop doing it.
I may end up being the person who was just meant to find my perfect middle, being the person who is always smack dab in the middle. My third grade Sunday school teacher always taught us one huge thing about the book of Psalm; that it was smack dab in the middle of the Bible. You can open your Bible to the middle, and always find Psalm. Smack dab in the middle. Maybe I’ll just be like Psalm.
Find your peace, find your perfect middle. Until next time…
Psalm 118:24- “This is the day that the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it”